Musings of a Girl
Just my thoughts, feelings and stories.
Because they all just hurt me sooner or later.
Sometimes I don’t know if I should even trust people anymore.
… when it all comes down and you realize they don’t really care.
’ OMG, REALLY?! DDDD: Oh oh have you heard blablablabvala. ‘
… really? I tell you I have health problems and I’m in PAIN and this is the response?
Thanks for the concern.
I would say that I have never felt so alone, but the truth is I have.
Plenty of times.
In truth, I have a wall beneath my walls.
It’s hard for me to trust someone fully, and until now no one has enable me to.
Once, someone I trusted told me: ” When you’re upset, you just curl up in a ball. “
I find this extremely true, though I refused to admit it.
I dare not let anyone know how I’m really feeling. This is horrible, because then I’m all alone.
And another thing, I tell myself that everyone is alone in the world. I tell myself that constantly, and sometimes I believe it. But a small part of me is actually clinging on to the hope that someday, someone will reach out to the deepest, darkest part of me and bring light.
I guess we’ll wait till then.
You probably don’t even remember I exist.
We didn’t talk today. Maybe you haven’t finished what you’re supposed to do yet. I’ll wait until you do, and when you talk to me again.
So guess what? As obvious as the title says, I have a crush on you. I have had it ever since we were in the same class nearly a year or two ago.
I never told you, because we were just those types of friends who teased and bullied each other. To the extremes. You would call me names, I would call you names. You gave me a nickname, and I gave one to you.
But I never once thought you might like me, because I was so awkward in expressing my feelings. But we were like that weren’t we? I expressed my feelings to you via teasing. But… I wonder, what does your teasing me mean? Maybe it just meant you like to tease me, haha. But still, there could be a deeper meaning. I’ll never know.
I also had low self-esteem. I never thought you could like me because of how I looked. Now, I feel more confident. Not because I had make-up now, but because I am confident about myself more than last time. In truth, I still look like the acne-laden girl(trying to recover from the acne clustered on my face) but with more confidence.
I wanted to confess to you but I never found my courage. But when the end of the school year rolled around, I found out from the rumor mill that you liked this girl in our class. She was the prettiest girl there is, and I knew I had no chance. She rejected you though, and you felt awful. I felt awful, for you. I wanted to comfort you, but I didn’t know how because you had no idea I knew.
You just kept on teasing me, smiling, and laughing.
Maybe thats why I like you so much. Because you were so mysterious. Because you don’t seek attention or approval from others so much, because you knew where you stood.
Prom night rolled around… we graduated… and now we just got in contact. I contacted you. I know it’s probably weird for you. I mean, suddenly some random ex-classmate contacts you and starts talking? Weird much?
Still I can’t help it. After a year or so I still have this small(… hmm) crush on you. But like I remember, you are a rude, insensitive prick. You still are.
I remember we had a conversation before our holidays started 2 weeks ago. We chatted awhile and talked about projects. You were doing one, and I told you I mostly do things rather last minute. Then, I told you to get going on your project, since its due soon. I was out shopping anyway. So you were like,
‘Okay… haha. You get started on yours too, don’t do those last minute all the time!’
You will probably never know how that made my heart melt. On the rare occasions you’re sweet, I melt over and over…
Like earlier we chatted… I was being an annoying person and kept asking you to change your profile picture. But you said next time, you had to finish your project. I was a little sad, but I understood. I told you to talk to me after its done. You said ‘Okay, take care!’
I felt hurt, yet I melted.
Take care… sigh. Thats so out of your usual character to me.
Hurt because… you could have told me that I wasn’t disturbing you and that we can continue chatting.
I don’t mean anything to you, do I?
I logged off without staying anything after my ‘Take care too’.
I wonder if you noticed. I bet not, I bet you closed my convo immediately after I replied you.
I wonder if you’ll ever talk to me back. I swear I’m not going to do anything else, unless you message me first. Please, notice me.
